Marriage Jokes | Poems, Humour & Words from Poetic Expressions
Myrtle Beach is no joke when it comes to great golf on amazing courses. They recommend that golfers be educated so that they can recognize the difference between Black bear “Because for the rest of your wife' life she will require ' round the clock care. The man looks around and doesn't see anyone – just the frog. Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a. prevent spam and reposts we are limiting the number of jokes a user can submit to 3 I was born a man, but had a sex change operation a few years before we met. our sense of humour. From pub gags, to funeral jokes, we cover them all. " Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? "I can't stand this. If you open a Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!" In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: "Did you see the paper?! They say I.
I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way. It should be okay next week. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in.
The man asks, "St. Peter, where is the golf course? Peter, "but that's one thing we don't have here. On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer's rejection of heaven. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.
After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a two-stroke penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. Nick looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?
I found my ball sitting right here! The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf. Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players! Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often. There are three ways to improve your golf game: An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. A five mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments.
There's no game like golf: Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken. Back to the Table of Jokes Late Arrivalgolf jokes One golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late in arriving for your tee time?
I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: The sport of choice for maintenance level worker is: The sport of choice for blue-color worker is: The sport of choice for supervisors is: The sport of choice for middle management is: The sport of choice for corporate officers is: As he was blasting away in a sandtrap one day and he voiced the thought.
- Gender Marriage etc. Jokes
- 15 of the funniest Irish jokes ever
Jimmy turned to see a grinning, red-clad figure with horns and a tail. On the very next hole he did it! The ball soared from his club in a perfect arc right into the hole for his first ever hole-in-one. And amazingly, he aced every other hole that he played the rest of the day! At the end of the round, the figure in red appeared again. But I do have a problem. Which half of my sex life do you want Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.
One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, " What's going on? He caught her last time. Niether man trusted the other's arithmetic.
One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob,"What'd you have? Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up.
John told him, "One stroke penalty, for improving your lie. His buddies ask him if his new friend can play golf and Dick replies - "He's very good" The new guy hits his first tee shot into the bush, so his buddies look at Dick and say - "You said your friend was a good golfer!
On the second hole par-3, he hits the ball into the lake. The two buddies look at Dick again and says - "You said this guy was good" Dick replies - "Just watch, he's a great player. Three minutes pass and there's no sign of him. Suddenly, an outstetched hand comes out of the water and Dick's buddies tell him to dive in to save his drowning friend. Dick replies - "You don't understand, that just means he wants a 5 iron". They are playing in a play-off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.
She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming. That putt was no longer than my 'willy'. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf.
So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work! They all dropped their clubs and ran down for a closer look. The mermaid was incredibly beautiful and voluptuous. The Italian, burning with desire, asked the mermaid, "Have you ever been fondled?
So the Italian walked over and hugged and fondled her warmly. The mermaid said, "Hmmmm, that's nice. So the Frenchman went over and kissed her long and slow. One of the party winked at the others and kicked the ball into the hole. Seconds later a very fat player puffed on to the green quite out of breath and red of face. He looked round distractedly and asked: The fat one looked at him unbelievingly. Then he walked to the hole, looked in, reached down and picked up his ball.
His astonishment was plain to see. Then he turned, ran down the fairway and as he neared his partner the group on the green heard him shout: After 3 days of intense meetings, he is exhausted.
After work, he decides to go out and get some dinner and maybe have a few drinks. Well, after a few beers and some Sake, he's feeling a little frisky. He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more drinks, he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some action.
They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin- Wa! After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of the room. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it! The CEO turns to him and says, "What you mean, wrong hole?
They were known as the three-hour gang, always finished by 1pm so they could play gin all afternoon. One eventful day, they ran into a foursome ahead of them, playing incredibly slow. The guys in the three-hour gang waved and waved at each tee, but the group ahead never moved aside to let them through. After a frustrating five and one-half hour round, the gang came into the men's bar fuming. The slow group was at a table across the room and the whole bar could hear the cussing coming from the gang.
Finally, the waitress approached the gang and said, "You guys should lighten up. That group you're cussing out? They're blind golfers and I think it's great they can even play! The third guy sent a caddie to the pro shop for four sleeves of balls to present to the blind golfers. Everyone looked at the fourth guy. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.
After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
The cocky golfer says, "Looks like a 4-wood and a putter" The caddy hands him the 4-wood and he tops it about five feet in front of him. The caddy immediately hands him his putter and responds - "Good luck with that putt!!
He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard "Fore!
Soon, the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. He played a little when he was vice president mostly because Eisenhower was so passionate about the game.
Once during his own presidency while at Camp David, he ran into Henry Kissenger. Back to the Table of Jokes Beginnergolf jokes A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Back to the Table of Jokes Handicapgolf jokes A couple of buddies, decide to play together for the first time. Mac is an avid golfer and Jimmy is new to the game. On the way to the course, Mac asks "By the way, what's your handicap? Tiger replied "No, when I was 11, I had straight "A's", won 32 junior tournaments, has two recesses a day and had the cutest girlfriend in the whole school.
Everything has been downhill since then. Since Jimmy had never played the course before, Mac pointed out the trouble spots and where to aim on the first hole. Jimmy teed up, addressed the ball, took a couple of waggles and took a vicious swing.
He hit a foot behind the ball, tore up the teebox and totally missed the ball. Unphased he stepped back, took a couple practice swings and again addressed his ball. This time his swing missed everything. He stepped back from his ball again, looked at Mac and said - "Boy, this is a really tough course! Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering You don't want to ask that question Well, when were they?
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked? I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again? Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life.
I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, Darling. I couldn't be more moved.
So, all right then, when was number 3? They soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress. And so they tee off with their imaginary balls. After a day of splitting fairways and hitting nothing less then eagles, birdies and pars, they reach the 18th hole.
The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first. So he tees off with his imaginary ball. The first guy lines up and drains his footer to the bottom of the cup. Mac putted out and walked back to the cart. As Jimmy sank his putt, Mac suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants.
He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting and desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out. The scene of a man kneeling next to his playing partner's bare rear end, was too much for the group playing behind the twosome.
The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question: He is on the 18th hole, and he see's a lake. He says to his caddy "I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake!
You can't keep your head down that long. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife? Put me down for a five. It was shipped dry, because it weighed less but once water hit it, fermentation began which produced methane gas as a by-product. The manure was stored in bundles below deck and once wet with sea water, methane began to build up. The first time someone came below at night with a lantern Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what had happened.
Afterwards, the bundles of manure were stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" which directed the crew to stow it in the upper decks so that any water that came into the hold would not reach this volatile cargo and produce the explosive gas.
Thus evolved the term "S. T " Ship High In Transit which has come down through the centuries and is still in use today. You probably did not know the true history of this word. I always thought it was a golf term Back to the Table of Jokes Lamazegolf jokes The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. Look at the size of his putter. Stand with your back turned and drop it. Keep your head down and spread your legs a little more My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired. I need to wash my balls first. Back to the Table of Jokes Ridersgolf jokes A foursome of elderly gentlemen went to the bar after a round of golf.
At the bar, the new Pro asked them "How did your game go today? The second said he did OK with 16 riders.
Great Golf Jokes
The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that he played badly and had only two riders. The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?
Back to the Table of Jokes Family Mengolf jokes Three men are in a bar, all very drunk, and talking to each other, bragging about their families.
The first guy says, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team. I have eleven sons.
One more and I'll have a football team. I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course. Golf course, may I help you? What are your green fees? Does that include golf? Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice? You mean a driving range? No, that's not it. Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.
Between 12 o'clock and noon? We'll try to squeeze you in. Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock? Yes, we have one at What's the next time after that? We have one at We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer. What do you have for tee times tomorrow? What time would you like? What times do you have? What time of the day? We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list? No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.
Do you have a dress code? We require soft spikes. Yes, you have to wear clothes. Do you rent golf clubs there? Yes, they're 25 dollars. How much to rent a bag? Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole.
How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th? Yes, do you have a driving range there? How much for a large bucket? Does that include the balls? Do you have a twilight rate? Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock. And what time does that start? My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back? Back to the Table of Jokes Lost Citygolf jokes For months the archaeologists had been toiling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from faint traces of a Lost City.
Their excitement mounted as the place's extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards. It had to be…a golf course! Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of sculptures and paintings of human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters. The next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club of the Lost City.
And yes, it was soon learned that the tribes did have legends of the Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy.
While watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor murmured wistfully, "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery". The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied. At the end of the 9-hole event, her ears were ringing.
He told her things in those nine holes. Back to the Table of Jokes Rule Amendmentsgolf jokes A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in the scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from a nice tuft of grass. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else.
It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke. If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop.
The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. Same thing for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there defying gravity. You cannot defy the law. Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the law of physics. A putt that stops close enough to inspire such comments as "You can blow it in" may be blown in.
This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game. Back to the Table of Jokes Scratch Golfergolf jokes Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
A 5 mile walk punctuated with disappointments Fairway: An unfamiliar tract of closely mowed grass running from the tee to the green.
Your ball is usually found immediately to the left or right of it Oxymoron: An easy par-3 Practice Tee: A place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice Mulligan: Invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more yard grounder. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover! On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father O'Malley's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole!
Meanwhile, one alien told the other that he must be playing some sort of weird game and they continued to observe the golfer. The golfer then skulled a shot into a bunker by the green. He then took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green.
He putted several times until he finally got into the hole. At this point, the other alien told his partner, "Wow, now he is in serious trouble! While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place: I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend. I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her. They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything.
So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. Back to the Table of Jokes The Finer Reasons To Golfgolf jokes Two friends were having a discussion on the finer reasons why they like the game of golf. A man who had previously been a sailor was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her".
He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.
The first was comprised of women, and the second men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or in the masculine gender. They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. They are supposed to help you solve the problems, but half the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
Men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. Three men were out golfing one day and one of them hit his ball into the woods.
He went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to him, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes on one condition to be named later" The man freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but the condition is that whatever you wish for, your wife will get 10 times more or better! The frog warned him, "You do realize this wish will also make your wife ten times better looking and the most beautiful woman in the world, and that men will flock to her.
For his second wish, he wanted to be the richest man in the world. The frog said, "That will make your wife ten times richer, thus the richest person in the world. The frog then inquired about his third wish and the man answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack A man gets on an airplane and sits next to a beautiful women. He ask her where she is going. Her reply is that she is going to a nymphomaniac convention.
Like the myth that Frenchmen are the best lovers. Jewish men are the best lovers. What is your name? A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,"Ribbit 9 iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears "Ribbir 9 iron". He looks at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a nine iron. He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He says to the frog,"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog,eh? The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man shot the best game of his life and asks the frog,"OK, where to next? They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,"OK frog, now what? Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?
Now, this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Tons of cash come sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies,"Ribbit kiss me".
The guy figures why not. After all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous year-old girl. God said to Adam "I have some good news and some bad. God answered "I'm giving you a brain and a penis. A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard, which said: Two with wieners, One without! Ten Things You'll never hear a man say. Here honey, you use the remote. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big. That's one movie I gotta see! While I'm up, can I get you anything? Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes? Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on. We never talk anymore. Ten Things You'll never hear a woman say. What do you mean today's our anniversary? Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!! And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska! Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends". Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small? Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here. I don't care if it is on sale, dollars is too much for a designer dress. Hey, pull my finger! A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster.
After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight? An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Sure is hot down here.
His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his is side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. I have something I must confess to you. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother! God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the 1 reason why God created Eve When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!
Frank came into his wife's room one day. Would you still love me then? A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub. She leaves him on the couch when the phone rings and is back in a few seconds. A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?
With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams". A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.
When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf. Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon? I mean, all these awful 4-letter words!
You've got to come get me and take me home Tell me, what could be so awful? Come get me, please! Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!
The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer. Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You!
I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU points to the farmerwhy didn't you run out scared like everyone else?
I've been married to your sister for 36 years! You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years! Why, you have the health of a sixty-year-old. She promised that if she was ever about to lose her temper, she'd stay in the kitchen 'till she cooled off. And I pledged that when I got angry I'd keep quiet, too, and go outside until I calmed down. Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. Every marriage has to have its first fight!
A new group of male applicants had just arrived in heaven. Peter looked them over and ordered, "All men who were henpecked on earth, please step to the left; all those who were bosses in their own homes, step to the right. Only one man stepped to the right.
Peter looked at the frail little man standing by himself and inquired, "What makes you think you belong on that side? A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me. They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying: Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later, when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office so, instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.
He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said "I've never seen you work so late. I've just spent the worst day of my life! You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch! A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. A honeymooning couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The bride is concerned about the room being bugged. The groom says, "I'll look for a bug. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel? Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.
The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan? Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife "Notice anything different, Bessie? Notice anything different about me? Again he asks, a little louder this time, "notice anything different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow. It's hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!
A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!
If only men would listen. The couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present? A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days. A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
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The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman? It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear. Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid -- who begs to be set free, in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple my I.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my I. It'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?
Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, "Done. A guy is walking on the beach somewhere in California. He sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish to the lucky guy.
The guy thinks about it and says, "I'd like you to build a highway to Hawaii because I am afraid to fly. The genie responds that this can't be done because it would be technologically impossible considering the depth of the ocean and the distance to Hawaii.
So he asks the guy to wish for something else. The guy thinks about it and, very enthusiastically, wishes he would understand women. The genie then said, "Do you want your highway to have 2 or 4 lanes? John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks.
A secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. Her boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over.
I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee. Who said you could come and go as you please around here? Should I pack for the beach, the mountains, or what? Why can't a man be beautiful and intelligent at the same time? Because he would be a she. A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks she's no dummy'I have an idea.
It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. The husband says, 'Good Grief! Funeral on Thursday at Noon. A 54 year old accountant left this letter for his wife one evening: Being an accountant, you can appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said: One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when one day at the neighborhood bar he confessed to a friend that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to do it with the pickle slicer. His friend suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came by the bar. His friend could see at once that something was seriously wrong. Shall we try a different position tonight? A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out.
As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth. Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the downfall of every successful man is usually another woman. A wife asked her car enthusiast husband what he wanted for Christmas.